August 13th 2013 will mark the year anniversary of the night I went to Randal Children’s Hospital in Portland Oregon for my eating disorder, Anorexia. I stayed in the hospital on bed rest for 15 days. I had a feeding tube through my nose for 4 of those days and was woken up a least twice a night every night by a heart monitor beeping and nurses holding Boost and Ensure nutrition drinks, telling me that my heart rate had dropped to 37 bpm for 15 days. It has literally been hell this year, residential hospital treatment, partial hospital, outpatient therapy programs, and adolescent psych ward visits. I have literally never fought harder for something in my entire life. This time this year, i have been doing a lot of reflecting. Thinking about where my head was this time last year, what mattered to me, what defined me, what I wanted out of life, how i saw myself, what i loved and would fight for. I see that everything I wanted led my to my deathbed. I was skin and bone. I was gaunt. My eyes hallow and empty. My mind on one track to nothing but to becomeNothing.
I was nothing but a sick human being who knew she was dying… and didnt care.
Pictured above is me this year, and a couple (pets) and people who have inspired me and helped me the most. I was so scared, and I still am at times. I sometimes look in the mirror and that voice in my head says i need to be thinner. I need to lose all of the weight i restored in treatment. Let go of all the therapy I had and go back to counting, cutting, and disappearing.
But more and more everyday, i know that I am MORE THAN THAT.
I have created more of a fruitful life for myself. I have family. i have my loved friends. I eat regularly. I allow myself treats and am working on being active without over doing it.
Most importantly, I am ME. I am MYSELF.
I love my life and would do anything to let the ones i love know that.
There is hope. My journey is not over. I still need help. But the important thing is that I am HEALTHY. I am okay. And i am not okay. and I have the wisdom to know the difference between those two things and the resources to change the course of my destiny and entire life.
————I love you Taylor. So much.